The unbearable darkness of potential

Does this sound like you?:

• You over-invest in some people (eg time, emotion, finance) and wonder why you are let down?

• You have all these plans for life change, don't do any and end up wondering how things got worse?

• You agonise about a job you haven't even applied for?

You are working on "potential" not reality!

And potential is exciting - it's the future, it's the dream, the goal - the thing that we're often told to "imagine that..." and if we get caught in it - one of two things happen - 1: the above situations (things go wrong and we don't know why); or 2: we actually get there and we've not realised it!!

Potential can also be damaging...why? Because it's not reality.

In therapy, and in my field of coaching we are always taught to "meet clients where they are"...and if we don't no matter how effective your tools and techniques - they won't work because the reality is that person/organisation is not in that space (yet). It doesn't mean they can't be...BUT if you are only seeing them through the eyes of potential - you are seeing them through your OWN rose tints...a sort of - I would do this or even I do do this - they will find it easy!

Let's break the above down: Friendships

I've over-invested in all sorts of ways because I've seen "what could be" - but I've forgotten, or perhaps ignored, that it really takes two to make an outcome...and in my "fantasy world" I may have thought that person wants the same things I do...but in reality they have given NO indication that this is the case...so my pattern is - invest - keep going (sunk cost bias) - resent and then withdraw...when actually it really was my own faulty thinking that set up the situation!!

Try this:

If you are somsone who sees potential - wonderful - it's exciting, and beautiful, and it's likely you are quite driven yourself...BUT watch for the reality - and if you don't know ASK, don't simply "offer" or "annoint"!! While you may be disappointed if that person doesn't want what you want, at least you know now before you invest more time/money/emotion in the hope!

Next: Life Change

This is a common one around New Year especially - you have all these plans for the "New You" - except we sometimes fail to appreciate it is the "Old You"...or correctly "CURRENT you" having to put them into action...and if your "lose a stone in a month" involves running 5k 3 times a week, but your lifestyle doesn't have the capacity, you'll not only not do it, BUT worse you might not even do one run because you think "what's the point, that won't achieve anything!"

Try this:

Focus on building little habits. I look at the plan - and then decide what is the "minimum action" that will be acceptable to me (keeping in mind life happens) to engage in every week...and set my goal for a much longer term...because realistically (there's that word again) - it's not about "Iose the stone and go back to my old habits" - but become the person for whom a fitter, healthier body is "normal"!! My only goal for this whole year is to not be worrying I have got less healthy than last year...I don't know what the changes to my body or my behaviour will be, but I plan to not lose ground (even if I don't gain it!!).

And then: Career Change

This is a classic I deal with a lot in training and coaching - people are agonising over a job that they haven't even applied for...worrying about the potential situation of having been offered it, when the reality is - they haven't even thrown their hat in the ring. Now, there is a caveat here - it is WORTH considering if the job is going to fit your priorities at all - for example, a great job that involves travel may need to be passed over if home life and being where you are is of paramount importance...but we need to remember that there are many stages to this situation in reality: 1 Getting through the application process; 2 Getting through the interview; 3 Accepting the job...and at any point in the process - you can still withdraw!!

Try this:

If you have decided that there are no "non-negotiables" being crossed - apply anyway...you still have time to think about whether you want to go to the interview (if offered!!); and even then at interview you might recognise that there are a number of red flags which put you off (or green flags that make the prospect of the job more exciting)...and then IF you are offered the job you are able to accept (or reject!!) on better inforamtion...and you'll also have an updated CV and interview experience (because if you were thinking about a job anyway - you are probably in the (real) mindset of wanting to make a change.

The point I am making is - focus on REALITY...and do what you need to do WITHIN that REALITY. Potential is exciting, and never stop dreaming big - BUT make sure when you are taking action, it is the best choice based on what you are actually seeing NOT what you hope could be!

Dr Audrey Tang is a chartered psychologist with the BPS, award-winning author, TEDx Speaker and Burlesque instructor. Watch her show Mental Health Matters on YouTube and LinkedinLive every Thursday: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL5dbYRwciNQ3c2hZwpsfxnNIvpijH4S2b and catch it on podcast plus bouns episodes here: https://mentalhealthmatters.buzzsprout.com