Be Honest with your Intention

This seems to be a phrase I've used a lot recently, and other practitioners have used around me. It started a couple of weeks ago when I was interviewing an eco-influencer about "climate healthy practices" - and 'make conscious choices' was one of the key instructions.

We go through life not just on "auto pilot", but on "old programmed patterns" which serve to keep our brain safe...it's why changes are difficult to make without effort - we need to actively practice doing something different until our brain is convinced it isn't a threat and life is much better for us in this new way (and that's true even if the old way was unhealthy)...and then we slip back, because even if we've spent a month in the "new mode", we've likely spent a year or more in the old!

Then I had a conversation with a Men's Health speaker about vulnerability - and this of course is a very positive thing...but I posed the question - what about those countless "cryptic" posts on the socials where it really feels like someone is fishing for attention..."That's likely their intention" was the response. He went on to discuss the different between being vulnerable to support or to connect and "oversharing" for validity:

Some people might share their vulnerability because someone else has shared theirs and it is a means to connect eg. "That's so sad, when I lost my dad I felt similar..."; others may share it to also share growth and change eg. "I used to think that way, I was always so angry, but then I started counselling and it made me realise..."; and there was even a further option - if our nervous system is so programmed to explain everything when we think we might be at fault eg: "I'm so sorry I'm late I had a horrible time getting here, my car wouln't start and then I stepped in a puddle running for the bus, and then I accidentally went to the wrong floor" (this is showing a LOT of vulnerability of not winning at the day and when we think about it, we may not even want to share this - BUT for some reason* our Nervous System seems to need to explain (over explain) everything to try and avoid further imagined punishment).

*I say "for some reason" - the reason relates to our conditoning which is too long and complex a discussion for this blog...but what I will say is - if you feel that urge, recognise that the person who conditioned you is likely NOT the person you are telling the (whole) story to!!

Then you have the attention or validity seeking behaviour...this is often where no-one, no-one at all says anything and you bring up "Oh I hate x,y,z about myself" and people feel awkward with the need to reply and reassure.

None of the above is wrong...as long as you are honest about your intention - and aware of the consequences it might have. In the Nervous-system in overdrive it can give the impression that you are far clumsier than you actually are (you just had a really bad day...it happens); in the validity-seeking one, you might get a few responses the first time, and then, honestly - people may get bored and a little angry that you don't realise they all have issues too, or worse, they may use that against you!! And in BOTH these cases I would suggest that you may need some professional intervention to help you work through the real reason behind your needs.

This is what I mean by "be honest with your intention"...communication is data to a psychologist - it's information...(as a person it can be emotionally supportive, or annoying! - but lets stay professional)... If you know WHY you are sharing what you are sharing the next step will be that connection you hoped to form, OR support with getting the help you need (beneath the communication you raised!)...it might be you can even circumvent the awkwardness and simply recognise - I am about to share x for validation - what is driving that behaviour...and a healthier exploration can ensue from there.

So your challenge for the day...and to be honest it's my challenge every day - be honest with your intentions when it comes to commuication:

• are you asking for help?

• are you sharing to connect?

• are you being passive aggressive? (commonly one of mine)

• are you doing it because you don't know how to stop?

• are you seeking attention?

• ...anything else...

And then ask yourself - why am I doing this - and is there a better way I can get what I need. I'm not saying don't be vunerable...but rather recognise that being vulnerable is actually a powerful gift, use it with those who will appreciate it's value...and that starts with you!

Dr Audrey Tang is a chartered psychologist and award-winning business author whose work is focused on the blending theory and creativity to thrive.