Is Confidence in adulthood more about the ability and opportunity to learn?

We were born confident...or at least curious. Yes, I know some people are born more "fearful" than others, but the point I'm making is that we were born "do-ers" "seekers" "experimenters" without the boundaries of everyone who "knew better" thrust upon us.

Of course some of those boundaries were there to keep us safe, but even Picasso famously said "Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up"...we didn't so much lose confidence, but lose ourselves - and our bravery got supressed with it!

The Cambridge online dictionary defines confidence as "The quality of being certain in your abilities, or of having turst in people, plans or the future." We - especially when we are women - are too quick to say, as adults "I have no confidence in X"...especially if we haven't tried it before... The truth is in the case of something new, we have no right to have confidence in ourselves - if we get through we have a natural aptitude or beginner's luck - we may not be able to replicate it...at least not without practice. (...and even then it's hard - despite having done Parkrun nearly every week for the last couple of months I still come to the start line wondering if I'll get round!)

BUT this is where my work comes in - I "teach" confidence through practice. You cannot simply do something once and expect to be able to do it again with the same success...BUT if you do it numerous times (and that number varies from person to person), then we can say with more certainty - I will be able to do that.

For every person who says the don't have the confidence to do "X" - it is often less about the task itself but their desire to put themself forward for it...because perhaps they don't know if they will be able to do it to the standard that others expect.

Which brings me to the title of this blog - as an adult - is confidence more about our ability to learn!?

As a child, we were naturally curious, perhaps naturally forthcoming, but through the years, the expectations and norms that surround our social environment may have molded us into a person who is capable and competent - while in their comfort zone. Pushing out of it - means there is a chance it can go wrong...and while child or adult criticism stings, I think I can be the bigger you are the harder the punch (because as adults we carry the baggage of past criticism)...Dr Kat Schneider (2025) warns us of adults returning to spaces like the gym - "One bad experience is enough to negate all the good ones!"

So what can we do?

There are of course tools we can practice such as:

1. ASK: What is this Feeling?

(Hopefully, for Wicked fans, it won't be "loathing") - Asking the question whenever we are reluctant to do something can help us recognise what is holding us back. "Confidence" or lact thereof is a very easy headline for an often more complex situation. Even if you come up with "Lack of Confidence" - then ASK - Why - what is it I'm afraid will happen?

You don't need to do anything about it at that point, but just create the awareness, and over the week Look for Patterns in your thought process.

2. Breathe deeply (yes I know people find it annoying to say that but as John O'Brien author of Rudeness Rehab says - we carry our lungs everywhere so this is the one thing we can do without tools!) and reflect on how you have dealt with uncertainty in the past.

While this doesn't mean you should then jump head first into whatever it is that has scared you, you will at least know what sort of learning pattern suits you best. If having a mentor, or a structure or a teacher will help - then that's the bridge before you leap! Maybe it means it'll take you longer to achieve whatever it is you wanted to do - BUT at least you'll do it at all!

But also, 3. take a moment to try the following affirmation - If I don't know what to do I will learn. AND 4. also reflect on the people you surround yourself with. They don't necessarily need to be people who encourage you (obviously discouraging people are a blow to building confidence - so pare down your time with them!), but ask yourself are THEY people who step up when they are unsure - if they do, often you will...if they don't...it's like the environmental equivalent of the echo chamber!

Call to Action

This week: Try to get to the bottom of what holds you back by asking "When do I feel most confident?" (and note the blueprint for the conditions that help you step forward); and also "When do I feel least confident - and what is blocking me?"

...and leave me a comment with any questions.

Dr Audrey Tang is a Chartered Psychologist, TEDx Speaker, Author, Leadership Trainer and Burlesque Instructor.