What kind of friend are you?

We say that a lot of others don't we - when we feel let down, or ignored or aggrieved in some way...what kind of friend are you?! And then we recount all the times when we've put outselves out and somehow can't think of a single time where we've had something in return.

I'm not saying that relationships don't become one-sided...

I'm not saying that relationships don't need to be changed...

I'm also not saying the sometimes relationships need to come to an end...

BUT I would urge you to consider - AS WELL AS the rant you might be on...how that question applies to yourself!!

Elizabeth Day’s book “Friendaholic” is great in reminding us that good friendships are built not just on knowing what we want in a friend or what the relationship of a “friend” means to us – but ALSO – how WE behave as a friend. We are often too quick to blame others for not doing something for us in that moment, forgetting that we might not have come through for them either looking back!!

Exercise 1: The Friendship CV - Elizabeth Day

This is a great way to consider not just what you are looking for in others - but what you offer in return. In the same way as you would write a personal profile, write your friendship profile - who are you as a friend? What can you offer? Me, for example, I have a LOT of incredibly close friends and for them I will do most things - BUT until someone crosses that threshold (which happens organically): I would consider myself a helpful but non emotional friend...I'm not the person to hold your hand in a crisis (and neither do you want me to be); I don't have a huge amount of time to nurture new friendships so I'm unlikely to attend, nor invite you to evenings out. I don't need to be trusted with your secrets and will be very unlikely to tell you mine. Right now, on reflection, I think all my friendship positions are filled!!

While that last line may have been said slightly in jest because I think there is room for friendships to change...Robin Dunbar suggests we have capacity for about 150 meaningful relationships, of those 50 would be classed "friends", 15 "close friends" and 5 "closest relationships"...he further suggests that of those numbers one needs to exit before another can come in...I prefer to see friendships a little more organically, and perhaps dependant on circumstances...BUT there are certainly about 5 (maybe 6) for me - people for whom I would actively make time to maintain the relationship, and of those a couple are actually new because others have left the space.

Then we have Aristotle's theory - Friends for a Season (friendships of circumstance - which might end when that moment passes - for example, you move jobs); Friends for a Reason (friendships where there is a mutual reciprocity); and Friends for Life (this is where Aristotle conflicts with Dunbar as it may be possible to have say 10 very close relationshps whom you don't see regularly but can pick up as if no time had passed).

Whatever your view of friendships, mine is reciprocity - they take work, and the work has to be mutual - AND MUTUALLY ACCEPTABLE. People speak of the "swag gap" - I have no problem if I'm buying you a fancy meal and you are making me a home cooked one if our financial levels differ - BUT I don't necessarily equate putting myself out to do you a favour with you giving me food; nor would I offer you emotional support for example, if I see you prefer to put your angst on social media...and the thing that really annoys me is if you accuse me of not calling you - when you've not called me either OR you've flaked out every time I've said yes to something!

Exercise 2 - Be a Good friend

To put this in immediate context - think about 3 people you would consider your close friends and write down the reasons why for example:

Friend 1 - Great Sense of Humour/Fun to be around; generous; motivating-sees the best in me/sees potential I don't see

Friend 2 - Reliable; helpful; kind

Friend 3 - Grounded, generous, capable

Then ask yourself:

• Do I behave in the same way back to them/or does what I give them benefit their growth in a similar way as what they do for me?

Then - start doing those things that reflect their traits back to them, or benefits them in return

We cannot expect to keep freinds of value if we are not offering value back. While what is acceptable as currency will differ, friendship is not guaranteed - it takes work...but for those 5, 15, or sometimes 50 - it's totally worth it!

Finally, though, it's ok to have a number of of acquaintence-like relationships (the 50/15 intersection for Dunbar) - there generally it's about being a decent person which keeps those maintained, and it's lovely to have sound people in one's network!! But just because someone is in your life doesn't mean they are in your "inner circle"! Similarly though - just because you aren't close to someone doesn't mean you should behave like a d*ck!

Martin Seligman has long posited that healthy relationships are a pathway to happiness stating that while they do not “guarantee” happiness, it is rarely found without them…but it is notable he said “healthy relationships”…it is the word “healthy” which is key...know what that looks like for you - in both giving and receiving friendship!

Dr Audrey Tang is a Chartered Psychologst, Award-winning Business Author and Burlesque Instructor...she's also a good friend to some...and a decent acquaintence to many...she hopes!